You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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