I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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