I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
