More tranny stories later!
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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