remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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