Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
