Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
