It's Friday. Sex?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
