it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
