His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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