u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
