she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
