his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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