checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
