o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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