At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
