Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
