Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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