I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
