sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
