im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
