Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
