Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
