On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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