Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
