Too much gin, very little bucket
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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