so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
