And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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