I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Your dad touched me again.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
