Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
