I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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