I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
