I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize