he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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