allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
