I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
wow bdsm is so cute
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize