I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
