I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
