Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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