Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
