I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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