I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
