I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
