Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
