I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
