Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
