She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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