I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
