You can't motorboat a personality
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
