Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
