Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
