Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
