do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
