I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize