You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I love you.
Bad choice
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
