Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
