he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
