If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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