He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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