she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
