Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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